How Sex Toys Can Improve Intimacy (Solo or With a Partner)
Buying a sex toy isn’t about replacing anyone, it’s about improving intimacy. That can mean more emotional intimacy (feeling close and seen), more sexual intimacy (pleasure, arousal, and orgasm), or more physical intimacy (touch, cuddling, and connection). Below, you’ll find a practical, body-safe guide based on my conversation with Rose and Tori of Awakening Boutique, an independent, women-owned sex-toy shop in Denver (they ship worldwide).
Watch: Sex Toys 101 — Improving Intimacy
Short on time? Skim the sections below, then come back to the video for examples and specific product names they mention.
Why “Improve Intimacy” ≠ “Only Sex”
Emotional intimacy is feeling supported and understood. Sexual intimacy is desire, arousal, and pleasure. Physical intimacy includes touch, affection, and what you do in bed (or out of it). Many couples feel emotionally close but stuck in their sex life; others have great chemistry but want a stronger emotional connection. Toys are one tool to sync these layers.
Where to Start: “Should I Buy a Vibrator?”
When people say “sex toys,” they might mean vibrators, plugs, cuffs, lube, or… a dozen other things. Start with your goal and body part you want to stimulate.
Bullet vibrators 101
Bullets are small, discreet, and great for focused external stimulation. They’re perfect along the bottom of the vaginal opening where sensitive erectile tissue often doesn’t get enough time to fill with blood and become aroused. This can relax pelvic floor muscles and enhance sensation. Bullet vibrators also work on the clitoris for solo sessions.
When bullets aren’t ideal: during partnered penetration, a tiny, pinpoint vibe can feel too intense (and hard for a partner to control). In those cases, go for a slightly larger handheld vibe with a broader surface area (more below).
Price points: $30 vs. $80...what changes?
Power & patterns: Higher price usually buys stronger motors and more options.
Materials: Look for medical-grade silicone or body-safe ABS plastic.
Versatility: ABS bullets fit well into toys/harnesses designed for bullet inserts.
Warranty & lifespan: Reputable brands stand behind products; they tend to last longer.
Starter on a budget? A well-made ~$30 rechargeable bullet is great for “figuring out what you like.” Love bullets and want more power? The premium options are worth it.
Partner Play Without Pressure
Easy, “in-the-moment” toys
If you want something that works during partnered sex without getting in the way, try palm-sized, soft-edged toys (think the Dame Pom, Le Wand Point). These are easier to hold between bodies and deliver broader (less “pinpoint”) stimulation.
Teammates, not competition
A helpful reframe from the video: sex toys are “teammates, not competition.” They add sensations your hands or mouth can’t sustain indefinitely, so everyone can relax and enjoy.
When to talk about it
Not in the bedroom. Bring it up on a walk, over coffee, or while you’re both relaxed. Try:
“I want us to feel even closer physically, I found a small toy that could make things feel better for both of us.”
“This isn’t about ‘fixing’ anything. I want more options we can play with together.”
Pelvic Pain, Vaginismus, or Penetration Anxiety
You can nurture physical intimacy without immediate vaginal penetration. Options that still support pleasure and confidence:
External play: nipples, clitoris, perineum: use gentle, broad-surface vibes.
Gradual progression: fingers → slim, soft plugs → larger sizes only if/when ready.
Anal as an alternative: for people who want penetration but experience painful vaginal penetration, beginner-friendly anal options can be validating and pleasurable (see safety notes below).
Always go at your pace; intimacy improves when pressure drops.
Anal Play Basics (Beginner-Friendly & Not Scary)
Safety first
Flared base: Non-negotiable. The anal sphincter pulls inward; a base prevents “losing” a toy.
Warm-up: Start with fingers or small plugs; increase size gradually.
Lube, lube, lube: The anus doesn’t self-lubricate. Reapply generously.
Great first steps: petite, soft silicone plugs like Little Flirt or Perfect Plug. If you love structure, a graduated anal training kit (some include vibrating/weighted options, a booklet, and accessories like a lube launcher) can make the process clear and safe.
Lube rules that actually matter
Water-based: versatile, condom-safe; thicker anal formulas (e.g., “Sassy”-style) last longer.
Silicone-based: ultra-long-lasting; do not use with silicone toys (they can bind).
Oil-based: lovely for massage/oral/hand play; not condom-safe.
Body-Safe Materials & Why Amazon Isn’t Your Best Bet
“Body-safe” means materials designed for mucosal contact: medical-grade silicone and ABS plastic are the big two. Red flags: “jelly” toys that feel tacky/clear, chemical smell, or vague material claims. Marketplaces can mix fakes and returned/repackaged items; go with a trusted shop that vets brands and honors warranties.
Improve Intimacy With Yourself
The “seduce yourself” mindset
If libido feels low (or pressure around orgasm kills the mood) try masturbation assignments: 3–5 short sessions a week with no orgasm goal. Explore sensation (temperature, texture, location) and stop where it feels right. Paradoxically, removing the finish line often makes arousal easier.
Solo ideas to build confidence
Suction-base dildos (hello, shower wall or bedroom mirror) and compact thrusters can help you rehearse fantasies privately. Knowing what you like makes communicating with a partner simpler—and a lot sexier.
Not Ready for a Toy? Try Sensation Play
You can still improve intimacy with low-stakes, non-penetrative options:
Blindfold + massage oil: shifts focus to touch; great for anxious minds.
Soft cuffs: add novelty without pain.
Games/cards: playful prompts that spark conversations and new scenarios.
Many of these are intentionally ungendered and approachable.
Quick FAQ
What’s the best first vibrator?
A rechargeable bullet or a soft, palm-sized vibe. Start small, learn your preferences, then upgrade if you want more power.
Can I use toys if I have pelvic pain?
Yes! Start externally, keep sessions short and pressure-free, and consider gradual tools (dilators or slim plugs) if/when you want to explore penetration. Pair with lots of lube and gentle warm-ups.
Which lube should I buy?
If you use silicone toys, stick to water-based (thicker “anal” formulas last longer). For condoms/dental dams, avoid oil. For the longest glide (and no silicone toys), silicone lube is king.
How do I bring this up with my partner?
Pick a neutral time, frame it as curiosity and pleasure for both of you, and start with a small, easy-to-use toy. Remember: teammates, not competition.
Where to Find Body-Safe Gear
Rose and Tori curate high-quality toys, lube, and playful extras at Awakening Boutique (women-owned, Denver; ships worldwide). If you’re unsure what to choose, DM them a quick note about your goals, they’re genuinely helpful and non-judgmental.
Final Thoughts
Improving intimacy is about removing pressure, adding options, and creating more moments of connection: solo or together. Watch the video above for specific models they love, pick one small next step (a bullet, a blindfold, or a thicker water-based lube), and build from there.